Posted by: b1ueeyes | February 4, 2009

Butterfly effect..

To grow up with an abusive father is not the best way to grow up. I think I am feeling pretty good, considering the circumstances, but I would never want anyone else to live trough what the hell I have been trough. It was goot times also but these moments are not to mentioned this time.
Alcohol was also a big problem and when he got aggressive he use to hit us with belts, clothes hangers, wood sticks, throw shoes, drag me in the hair down the stairs, lock me out and stand inside and laugh at me (remember, where I grew up is in the middle of the forest), train a dog to attack me (Doberman), cut the TV wire to the room, break the lock to my room so I would not feel safe. Scare with a spring baton, axe, humiliate and degrade..
This was not every day but when it happened it really was happening.
To wake up by screams, tears, hearing things break, be scared, not knowing what is happening next. I guess I can write a book about how it was, what I felt, what happened, that is how much this have affected me, under such a long time.
For example, I remember one silly thing I said when I was a teenager- that I liked how my eyes looked when it was darker. I meant that the pupil are bigger and that looks nice. I told my father this and he made in his way a joke- that that was true, the darker it was, the easier it was to look my way, that I was that ugly and he laughed. This is avery mild thing that happened, only once and the other kind of terror was happening more often. Things like that I will probably never forget.
I was not a calm child, I was high and low and always talking a lot, always in trouble and also by that, I hated to be told what to do and being patronized. So I stood up for myself, more than was for my own good. I hit back, all I could, even though I knew that I would get it back. It is smart at all, considering that my father was a full grown, heavy built man and I was a skinny little kid, but at least I felt better in a strange way.
I am no longer sad, angry or afraid. I am over that now.
What have happened have lead me to where and who I am today. I like my life how it is today and I see it like a path that had to be processed.

I now have all the tickets for the events that is in my calendar the coming time. Just want the time to go fast so the spring and summer are here. I am thinking, sun, barbecue, late evenings, parties..
I got a comment from a friend that worried me a bit; he said that the think I am too shy to approach people. Hmm. I do not think he have the right impression of me. The thing is, I approach whoever, and if needed, but is very bad at talking and about personal subjects to people I do not know so well.
I rather say too little than too much and than scare people away. I wonder if that is not the best way to be?



  1. Önskar att jag hade känt dig då Och att jag hade kunnat funnits där för dig då men jag hoppas att jag har funnits där för dig =)

    Kramar Maja

    • Tack så mycket! Allt till sin tid och det är bra nu. Tack för att du alltid finns där för mig!

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