Posted by: b1ueeyes | July 13, 2009

Life and death.

Past
It is Sunday and I am waiting for my grandparents to come for dinner. This is what defines the week. Friday is the last day in school, Saturday when I get candy and Sunday when my grandparents are coming, hopefully also with a surprise(this was often candy). My grandfather made a funny entree and my grandmother came with a great smile.

He wore jeans with a shirt or t shirt and my grandmother had a dress and a blouse. They always looked great and were kind. If we had some disagreement they were most of the time fair and wanted it to be solved. My grandmothers solution could in extreme cases be that if it was not solved, she would not come to visit- but this was in extreme cases.

We had dinner, then talked.. Watched TV and if I was lucky I could get her attention. She was always so wise. Soft hands, nice nails and a perfect smile. She chuckled sometimes when she laughed. Smiled a bit and locked away if she knew that I said or done something silly, but still to show that she did not really approve.

Present
I can not really get over this.l I really miss them. I had them all, all grandparents, now I have none. I am older, and unhappy. Why does it have to be like this? Why can it not be easy? Why does people have to die?

I have now and then seen people that remind me of them, some gesture, a laugh or similarity in looks. I pretend that they are not dead, that I just have not seen them for a while and they are alive and happy. But they are not. I wish I had spent more time with all of them. They have lived before me, know everything, raised my parents and then put me and my sisters to this world.
They do not exist. I will never see them again.
It hurts!

Why did I not spend more time with them when I had the chance? If I would have know when they left the earth, would I have seen them more? How much more? Would it have been easier?

This also makes me think of my own mortality. Is this life as it should be? Am I happy? Will I be able to stand for my choices when I get older? Could and should I have lived my life differently? Or is this what is called life? Happiness and pain. To be able to come through it?

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