Posted by: b1ueeyes | February 19, 2010

My trip to Sweden and back again, February 2010

Was amazing and also confusing and difficult, let me tell you why.

I love Amsterdam, I already fell in love almost 12 years ago when I went here the first time. I love the houses, canals, the little cafes, the cats all over, the freedom, the people, the language, the food, the possibilities and that it actually feels like a small town. Little after little I have thought about it and played with the idea to move. For many years, I only thought it was a dream as I did not dare to leave what I called home to go somewhere else so far away.

I traveled here for holiday a couple of times before the big move and I really felt relaxed when I was in Amsterdam. I walked and walked from mornign to evening. Took may photos, you close ones know how I forced you to see them. I loved it all and felt that I was home in a way. That I was not stressed, just relaxed and nothing on my shoulders.

3 years ago at this time about I had another chance to go (looked into being Au Pair and spoke to agencies and families but did not dare to) as I was in a crossroad in my life. I had discovered some things of myself and the life I had then so I felt it was really time to take the chance to do something for me. I was still going through a rough time and and took this possibility.

I loved my time when I first did move. I came with very few belongings and it was really warm. I was alone, completely in a land far away from all I knew. I did not speak to anyone the first week as I did nto share the apartment provided from work with anyone. I knew noone, noone I wanted to speak to at least. I felt so free! I went to the city and just walked around, alone. The sun burned mys skin and I just loved it all. I wanted everything.

When I started work my life was getting built up with a network with amazing people and I went to Sweden quite often in the beginning. When I lived up there and went here for holiday it hurted to go back north. And now, I miss my family and friends andall that exist there. I want to be there but I am a stranger there now. I do nto belong. I feel uncomfortable and lost. Already at the airport I wanted to go back to my apartment- to my life like it is now. That changed when I came to Sweden though. I enjoyed spening time with my loved ones but I felt like I was not belonging there. No confidence and I could not really relax.

I had a great time, do not misunderstand me there. I ate a lot and well, drank at one point, talked a lot, met friends- great friends, family, enjoyed myself by driving around alone in a car, listening to the radio, singing along- loudly. I felt free and relaxed, but in a different way. It felt like it all was a dream, but still, that nothing had changed.. Besides me.. I was different, I was not supposted to be there. I have my life in another place.

It is sad, I want the both worlds to be the same, to be closer. Does not matter where I am, it is nto fully complete. I do not know how to make it better. For now, I will just stay here, hoping that my friends and family can come here too as I have been there to visit them now.

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