Posted by: b1ueeyes | March 23, 2010

Leave me alone!

Listening to music, have to, to relax and close out the madness from one of the neighbours. They have been screaming, singing, banging the wall, dragging things on the floor. My head will explode soon. I do not want to be reminded that there are people around. Earlier there was a man ringing the door. It is a lof of that here. When I awas sick it was many at the same day. Not interested! I want to be alone. Left completely alone.

Having a really bad day. Have something important tomorrow and I feel sick just thinking about it. I am stressing about it. I want to be the best, but I can not control the situation. I want to hide all the way back in the closet, never come out, never talk to anyone. Hate myself on days like this.

Had a list of things to do, did many of them, but still, did not leave the apartment. I really need a energy boost, or a friend who can drag me out. Someone that can understand me and trick me out.

Miss my friends in Sweden and Norway. I rarely hear from them, which makes me sad. This is how it have been, and will be. No change. It is a high price. To be alone. Up there I hade people around me that I liked, was feeling good, but still had this uncertaincy, without job- at least a staedy job. I could never plan a holiday in case I could get some hours of job. Here I have a job- one I love, but then again, here I do not really have anyone that understand me. I am just the odd one. The boring person that is dead inside. I do not know who I am anymore. Not since I moved here.

What I think about is what I can do to change that. How I can be happy here also. What I can do about it. I try to find the little things. Try to plan things that makes me happy. Go to concerts, go out to eat, movies, meet friends. Even though I enjoy these things, there is something in the back of my head, that something is not right anyway. I do not deserve this. I am doing it wrong..

Radiohead – Creep
Radiohead – Karma Police
Blind Melon – No rain

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