Posted by: b1ueeyes | October 16, 2010

Into the darkness

Yeah, what is going on with my life? I feel so sad and dead inside that I don’t know it it will be good again. I have been lost and walked off to paths I should not. They say you learn from experience, but really don’t see how I could have learned from this. It feels like I have on purpose destroyed my life and there is no going back.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel dead.

I miss my grandparents so much, I want to cry but can’t as I am afraid I will not stop. I miss my family and friends, they guided me as they really know me. I miss driving a car and listening to music. I miss feeling relaxed. I miss speaking Swedish. I miss swimming alone at the hospital. I miss Nikita. I miss living alone so badly. I miss flirting when I feel like. I miss watching anime and being able to enjoy it. I miss home dinners and parties with friends. I miss the ocean. I miss doing whatever I felt like without regrets. I miss living in the present.
I want to do the right thing, I want to be happy but don’t know how to get there.

I don’t feel strong anymore, I don’t know what I want without hurting anyone. I need to feel independent, happy, relaxed and that is far away from reality.

“Don’t regret anything you do- it makes you who you are.” Really….? Who am I then?

Alibi- 30 Seconds to Mars

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