Posted by: b1ueeyes | May 6, 2010

Where to go?

What is the expression: “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way”?

But what if I do not have a will.. No special dreams or goals. What then?

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Posted by: b1ueeyes | April 22, 2010

I hate the reflection..

of myself. On the last group lesson I had at the gym, the trainer wanted us to watch our self moving- to be able to see how the movements are done. I actually felt sick- seeing myself. I look awkward, pale, wide, fat and like an idiot. It was really unpleasant and uncomfortable. I could not stand myself so tried to look away as much as possible.

This issue have become bigger and bigger- even now, when I meet someones eyes at work, I try to look away as I do not want them to see me- I hate myself and how I look and it is starting to become unpleasant being around people. I just want to be left alone- but I can never be that.

Posted by: b1ueeyes | April 13, 2010

What is your dream?

Today I got the question- “what is your passion and dream?”

I still can not answer that. Have to figure that out.

Posted by: b1ueeyes | April 8, 2010

What to say?

I had some interesting things to write about but changed my mind about them as I am not sure why I would share it.. Not for everyone’s ears I guess.

Had a nice day today. Really nice out now, the spring is here and I just feel happy- or have more energy. Want to do things, go out, have fun, read a book- or something- anything!

After work today I went around in shops to see if I could find something.. And I did, I think. Will try it and review the things I got tomorrow again. Is off as I work the weekend and have some things planned- again. Since I have more energy- I should be able to make it. The plan for tomorrow is:

-yoga in the morning
-watch a chick flick
-get some sun
-get the tickets
-kick in the evening

Ear candy:
Chris Brown- Crawl

Posted by: b1ueeyes | April 7, 2010

To live in Amsterdam- public transport.

Ok, we have bus, tram, metro… When it comes that will say. Sometimes it can go one hour, no information, no replacement. Just waiting.. Good business for the taxis when I just want to get home.. Or come to work on time. On top of this, when they come- they are over crowded and the people on them do not move- at all! For a magic reason people tend to stand in the entrance doors- and refuse to move, even though it is plenty of space further in. If it is too much people on- or the drivers think so, the tram does not stop to let anyone one. How to explain that to work? “well, several trams came, but did not stop..” Sure..

Then we have the small talk on the tram. If I do not listen to music or read a book, it is very easy to start a conversation with a stranger, or that someone start one with me. So, often- I prefer to have my time on the tram, that is to have music and read a book- relax time.

On the trams, buses, metros- people tend to do their daily routines, such as eat breakfast or put on make up- not a little bit, but the whole story, foundation, powder, mascara.. Mascara a lot- I would never dare to do that due to how the trams are driving or people in them, I have issues to avoid the brush from the eye like it is..

On top of this we have the controllers.. They are often on to check that the travelers have a valid ticket. They are super nice, but would suggest they put more attention to update their website or working transportation.

And please note, these are my observations, not a shared opinion.

Posted by: b1ueeyes | March 30, 2010

The spring is coming..

warmer, more sun, more people, the garden wakes up.. It is a great time to come!

Have some really nice things planned that I am looking forward too.. If only the time would go faster..

Posted by: b1ueeyes | March 23, 2010

Leave me alone!

Listening to music, have to, to relax and close out the madness from one of the neighbours. They have been screaming, singing, banging the wall, dragging things on the floor. My head will explode soon. I do not want to be reminded that there are people around. Earlier there was a man ringing the door. It is a lof of that here. When I awas sick it was many at the same day. Not interested! I want to be alone. Left completely alone.

Having a really bad day. Have something important tomorrow and I feel sick just thinking about it. I am stressing about it. I want to be the best, but I can not control the situation. I want to hide all the way back in the closet, never come out, never talk to anyone. Hate myself on days like this.

Had a list of things to do, did many of them, but still, did not leave the apartment. I really need a energy boost, or a friend who can drag me out. Someone that can understand me and trick me out.

Miss my friends in Sweden and Norway. I rarely hear from them, which makes me sad. This is how it have been, and will be. No change. It is a high price. To be alone. Up there I hade people around me that I liked, was feeling good, but still had this uncertaincy, without job- at least a staedy job. I could never plan a holiday in case I could get some hours of job. Here I have a job- one I love, but then again, here I do not really have anyone that understand me. I am just the odd one. The boring person that is dead inside. I do not know who I am anymore. Not since I moved here.

What I think about is what I can do to change that. How I can be happy here also. What I can do about it. I try to find the little things. Try to plan things that makes me happy. Go to concerts, go out to eat, movies, meet friends. Even though I enjoy these things, there is something in the back of my head, that something is not right anyway. I do not deserve this. I am doing it wrong..

Radiohead – Creep
Radiohead – Karma Police
Blind Melon – No rain

Posted by: b1ueeyes | March 22, 2010

One liposuction please..

I hate myself for letting go and let it go this far when it was under control. My weight have gone up and down and my feelings about my body have also changed.
Every time I change clothes I get reminded about how I look and I get sad and upset. It is too much in many places but the belly is the worst. Every time I get dressed I try to hide it and I think about it several times a day- every day. Try hard to suck it in but that does not always help and sometimes I forget and are visible with the fat showing how little I am in control of my own body.

For a while I have tried to get rid of it, and I know, I have to be patience, but still, I can not take this anymore. It really makes me sad and I want to focus on other things.
I try to think on what I eat, not too much, but still regularly, and exercise, but seeing all these people looking so great at the gym makes me want it even more. Is there not a faster way?

So sadly enough, I eat to comfort me, how ironic is that? I wish I could either look great now or just be hiding from everyone- even myself. What to do?

Posted by: b1ueeyes | March 20, 2010

What is the status?

Had my birthday some time ago, and shortly after got really sick. Have felt for a while that something was wrong and even went to the doctor here for a check up, but before I even got the results I had to go to the emergency doctor. Fever, nausea, headache, back pain and could not sleep- at all. Just say that I should have gotten treatment earlier. Got some pills to take every 6th hour- which did not give the me little rest I would have needed. Completely exhausted. Have not been able to do anything, everything was painful. Missed several gym sessions and work.
Feel much better now but still not fully recovered, still pain so have to look it up again.

For my birthday I got some me some cake and went to the pet store looking at possible pets, and got some really nice gifts- no pet though. That was the best part- just before getting sick. Have not been able to celebrate anything since I got sick so have to try to plan something. It was like the body completely crashed into the new older year- feel very welcomed being a new 25 plus year old something..

Oh yes, and spring have arrived, much warmer, flowers are coming and it smells different. Miss my family even more now, before it was as I was a bit sad since it was so cold and dark, now it is as I want to be outside, here if possible and show them how amazing it is here.

Posted by: b1ueeyes | March 17, 2010

Sexy, young and awesome…

There is tons of blogs in all kinds. There is cooking blogs, technical blogs, daily blogs, vlogs, fashion blogs, sex blogs and many, many more. Then there is this one. Which is not really defined. I do not post any photos of friends or family, no names to leave out anyone.

I wish I had an exciting life, with a lot of travel, party, had great tips of doing whatever, but fact is that I am just ordinary. I am not very outgoing, not young nor hot, not very smart or funny. Wish I were all of that though.

I wish I had boobs up to my throat, waist of a bee, trimmed ass and tiny feet. I wish I had long hair and flawless skin. Young, goal oriented and ambitious. It would be nice to be popular and funny, to be someone that is nice to spend time with. But again, I am the opposite, boring, a bit corky, goofy with low self esteem. The most action that happens in my life at the moment is the daydreams.

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