Posted by: b1ueeyes | May 22, 2011


Ok, I applied for a position I have been thinking of for a long time. I did not have the requirements, but I was feeling that I could try anyway. I got an invitation for an interview, it actually went ok and then I got invited to a second one. I did not feel that it went well, I had stressed myself a lot before and was thinking way to much before. The weeks went and I already gave up, but still happy as I had really done well in my eyes. Normally I go really badly on interviews, but I was satisfied for what I had done.
Then It came- the answer and it was a YES. Woohooo! I was soo happy!

At the same time I am also sad, to leave the job I have now, I have never felt that I did not want to go to work. I never knew what happened and it was challenging every day.

For some time we have been looking at apartment, first we did not know what we wanted and after seeing 20-50 or so, we finally found out what we wanted. Then we just had to find the one available one that we both agreed on. And there it was! We went, we saw and we loved it!
After some negotiating with the seller, we came to an agreement and now we will arrange the paper works.

For the last weeks now I have been looking at the website and thinking/ dreaming of how it will be, how to decorate, and how it will be to be “adult”. We will soon have our own house!! (in Swedish: “radhus”) The house have 2 toilets, 3 bedrooms, 3 floors, big private garden and all is renovated in 2009. I cant wait to move there!
At the same time, we have to leave the apartment we have now.. Which we have lived in for over 3 years now. We moved in at is wall all new, we painted the walls ourself, we put the floor, added lamps and curtains. We really like the place we have, put annoying to know that the rent we pay is lost. Also, now when we move we will get 2 months deposit back- that will come in handy now when we will get new furniture, a big bed is the most important thing for me! The new place do nto need anything more, no flooring, no paint anywhere!
We want to take some of our plants in the garden with us so we are hoping that the move will not have to be in the winter.

Besides this, when I am already dreaming, I have some things that I really would like- when I can afford. I dont know the English words, and this list is mostly for me so I will write in Swedish:

Since we also lately have changed the car, maybe we can even drive to Sweden and being able to bring stuff back home again- specially since the above have a lot of weight.
If we go to Sweden soon, I also would like to buy more things that I miss:
– Loka and Ramlösa- A LOT. How come Sweden can manage to do so nice drinks without sugar, sukralos, aspartame and the rest of unneeded ingredients and not Holland?
– Svinto- the best there is in cleaning!
– Lösgodis- please give me some!
– Polar bröd- love this bread!

Over and out!

Posted by: b1ueeyes | January 9, 2011


Sunday is a the best day of the week, no worries, no stress, no action. Just being lazy all day long and really just be. Be quiet, be silly, be useless. My list and me have decided to not do a thing today.

Many things have happened the last months, since I last updated here. Many good things. It feels like I have found myself again as I was lost. I feel happy again. I feel stronger and more with confident. I have learned a lot from myself, from others and also realized who are my true friends. It have been a rocky and painful period and I do not know what went wrong where. There is things I regret, things and situations I could have handled differently, but still, done is done- I can not change that, but should embrace that, and be stronger. Everything happens for a reason.

Wish you a happy and hopefully lazy Sunday!

Posted by: b1ueeyes | October 16, 2010

Into the darkness

Yeah, what is going on with my life? I feel so sad and dead inside that I don’t know it it will be good again. I have been lost and walked off to paths I should not. They say you learn from experience, but really don’t see how I could have learned from this. It feels like I have on purpose destroyed my life and there is no going back.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel dead.

I miss my grandparents so much, I want to cry but can’t as I am afraid I will not stop. I miss my family and friends, they guided me as they really know me. I miss driving a car and listening to music. I miss feeling relaxed. I miss speaking Swedish. I miss swimming alone at the hospital. I miss Nikita. I miss living alone so badly. I miss flirting when I feel like. I miss watching anime and being able to enjoy it. I miss home dinners and parties with friends. I miss the ocean. I miss doing whatever I felt like without regrets. I miss living in the present.
I want to do the right thing, I want to be happy but don’t know how to get there.

I don’t feel strong anymore, I don’t know what I want without hurting anyone. I need to feel independent, happy, relaxed and that is far away from reality.

“Don’t regret anything you do- it makes you who you are.” Really….? Who am I then?

Alibi- 30 Seconds to Mars

Posted by: b1ueeyes | August 15, 2010

A new start?

The summer was good to me. Happy, warm, memories. But now it is over. Summer have gone and now the autumn is to be welcomed.The air is fresh in the morning and it is getting darker on the evenings. Leaves are falling slowly and it rains more often. Both outside and outside.

How come it is easier to remember bad things rather than good? Why are those thought stronger?
What is making me happy at the moment? Friends, music, quietness, massage, shopping.
What is making me sad at the moment? Memories- lots of them, decisions that have to be taken..

Moderat – A New Error
Locnville – Sun In My Pocket
Enrique Iglesias – I Like It

Posted by: b1ueeyes | July 1, 2010

Go away!

I hate you!

You are embarrassing, you think you can show yourself.
You are ugly- un proportional, pale and with bad skin. You think you can walk around normal people- but you should know better.
You think that no one likes you, that many people are talking to you in pity.
You are no one- you should not have high thoughts- you should go away and never come back. How can you look at people, looking at you- you should just look away.

You are fat, barely move and you should know better. Why don’t you do enough about it? You think you feel better by eating, just be on the sofa, melt away and fill yourself with more poison. You think there is a tomorrow to solve this, but you should know better.

You are not good enough- so why are you trying to think otherwise?

How to come out of this hell? You are the only one who can change this- who can you not do so?

Posted by: b1ueeyes | June 4, 2010

When 2 becomes 3..

It was not planned but have wanted it for a long time. She is small, furry, cute and full of energy and personality. Lena is 9 weeks and with us since almost a week now.

Posted by: b1ueeyes | May 31, 2010

More sadness.

Smsed my sister yesterday to ask if I could call her- got a reply back that I could. Yay.
After a couple of minutes she wanted to tell me something, she got annoyed that I contacted her too often- I should not take it in a wrong way.. Also got informed that their life’s go on even though I moved away. She also said that I use my computer too often- the only reason I do- is to keep in contact with them all. I miss them.

Why is it often like that? Do people in small cities want to have drama all the time? Too little things going on in their own life so they want to create some trouble? Why stress over things?

Posted by: b1ueeyes | May 30, 2010

A storage place for a couple of banana boxes, please.

I called someone today and the call got wrong. Do not know if it is because I am extra sensitive or just very unlucky with the comments that was made.

First she said that she claimed to have understood a song to be a song advising people to do drugs- that is why the song was not in the finale. Tried to suggest that the song was about love- but the person refused to listen.

Then I was advised to clean out the rest of my things at home as she will do an apartment in the garage- that means that when I am back in Sweden for abut 4 days that I have to throw all the rest of my things as she does not have any room at all for them anymore.. Thanks.. All memories which I can not bring here due to weight/ size.

She wanted me to be happy for her for taking the decision to do this project. It was ended up with she asked if heard the latest comments/ discussions from relatives- I really do not want to be involved in. How about saying- “nice that you called, how are you?” instead of bla bla?

The money on the phone was running out so had to say good night. Hopefully I will have that too.

Posted by: b1ueeyes | May 29, 2010

Why does it hurt?

It feels like I am shattered between two life’s, one here in Holland and one in Sweden. Half a piece of my heart is here and the other is up there. Why cant they be together? Why do I have to chose? In a way- I already did- at least for now.

The pain is getting worse and I get more sad- when it should be the opposite, mu life is finally- and have been- arranged since I moved here several years ago.

Why cant I know for sure what I want? Why cant I be sure of whom I am? When I was younger I was sure it will be more sure a long the way in my life, years passed, done a lot of things, good things, useful and interesting thins but also stupid things- really stupid. Now it is finally good- or should be at least but feel more confused than ever.

Why cant it be easy? Why does it hurt to not know?

If it my feelings continue like this I do not know where it can end if not turn.

Posted by: b1ueeyes | May 22, 2010

Kick is good for me!

and probably for you also! This thing I have been doing more or less regularly- kick fun is something everyone should at least try once! It may be the perfect work out and it helps to reduce stress and tention. Me like.

Did it yesterday but do not feel too hot today. Got neckmassage when I was in the city this afternoon and it was heaven! Feel so relaxed now- would like to start a movie- alone and just fall asleep- but that is not going to happen.. Gah!

Have been in the garden a bit today- did not get any color as I got way to restless before that- new try tomorrow!

Tomorrow is another lesson and have to go to this one!

Enjoy your day dears!!

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